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scenery. yoga. rituals. words.

1/9/2018 10 Comments

humble awakening.

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​I remember my first yoga class like it was yesterday. It was a restorative class filled with props and long static poses. I sat there, laid there, contorted there wondering about whether I was breathing properly, how I looked, and what I was going to do after class. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I didn’t join yoga initially for its physical benefits. I just desperately needed self-acceptance and to find a way to relax my mind. I walked out of that class with a sense of peace despite the fact I had planned my whole weekend during shavasana. 

The next day, I showed up on my mat again. This time the room was packed, the lights were dark and it was hotter than balls(funfact: 33°C). It was an ashtanga style class and the teacher encouraged us to leer away from using props. So I teetered and swayed, wiping the salty sweat from my face for the next 75 minutes. I remember trying to breathe through my mouth when the teacher wasn’t looking and resisting child’s pose, as if it was some sign of failure. It took awhile for me to get it. I spent a lot of the earlier days of my practice with biased beliefs, thinking child’s pose and props had no place in my ‘fast-paced’ practice.
Now, fast forward nine years, as you likely know, I was diagnosed with a rare Leukemia. I have now undergone three rounds of chemotherapy within the last three months but more traumatically, I spent a week in the ICU scraping by life. I scared pretty much everyone I know and when I finally woke up from my fentanyl dreams, I was a shadow of myself. It even took a few days for my soul to catch up with me. I had no recollection of the past seven days and I felt a pain in my heart that words cannot describe. A sense of loss and feeling lost became my new state of affairs.
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​I knew I had to find a way to reconnect with my body and more importantly my soul. I spent the next week forcing myself to eat, battling insomnia, and working with a psychologist to rebuild my appetite for life. She reminded me to be gentle and kind with myself which eventually brought me back to my mat. The only thing was that during my time in the ICU, I lost a drastic amount of muscle mass and had a build up of lactic acid which basically turned my limber body into the tin (wo)man. 
I laid on my mat flowing through the tridosha series. My breath was labored and I couldn’t even reach my feet in happy baby, something I had been able to do for years. I was flooded with disappointment which was far from the effect I was looking for. I rolled up my mat and left it to collect dust for a few days while my ego recovered. 
Since then I have rebounded back to a daily practice. This time working from a place of compassion and self-acceptance. It is not uncommon for me to use blocks, straps and bolsters as it has now become an important part of my yoga therapy. I spent so many years with a drill-like, progress minded practice that when I discovered tantra yoga four years ago I was finally able to move past my conditioning and experience yoga from a place of healing.
Now, when I wake up or find time in my day between or after trips to the hospital I return to my mat. I find solace in child's pose. I take comfort in using a strap to hold my body and I cozy up in my blanket for shavasana while I surrender my legs over the bolster. I no longer practice with expectations or rules. I take time to be in my own universe and it has become so precious to me.
My practice has become a humble awakening. A reminder that Everything is Temporary, a mantra that has gotten me through so much of the last few months. So if you are a yogi (or not)... don't be afraid to make friends with props (ask for help). Let them hold you (Hug someone you love), let them guide you(Trust), and when you're ready let them go(Set yourself free)! Just know they are always there for you! And so Am I!

Side Note:
I currently do not offer Private Sessions however, if you have any inquires about yoga, meditation, yoga philosophy, or specifically tantra, I am always available to correspond! My email is ayla@tridoshaYogaYYC.com or Click Here for a form!
level your hips by placing a block slightly under your hip in pigeon pose
Feel your heels root in with downward dog by adding blocks under your hands.
Add stability and length to side angle with a little help from a block!
Add a block under your sit bones to relax your hips during meditation
10 Comments
vanessa
1/10/2018 06:42:34 am

Thank you for sharing Ayla. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but your beautiful words give us all a window into your daily commitment to survival.

Reply
Ayla
1/10/2018 09:26:56 am

Thank You for taking the time to have a little insight into my life. Much Love Vanessa!

Reply
Michelle
1/10/2018 07:11:06 am

You are absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing. Keep on fighting the good fight. I’m so glad you found your way back to yoga or it found it’s way back to you. Sending so much Love ❤️ your way.

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Ayla
1/10/2018 09:27:31 am

Thanks for following my journey. It means a lot. Xo

Reply
Gabriel
1/10/2018 01:44:07 pm

I’m really glad to hear you are doing yoga again. Thinking of of you.

Reply
Ayla
1/10/2018 10:04:37 pm

Thanks for stopping in and having a read! Xo.

Reply
Michelle
1/11/2018 06:41:21 pm

You're so inspiring Ayla. I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life. 😚😚

Reply
Ayla
1/12/2018 04:48:35 pm

The feeling is soooooooo mutual! <3

Reply
Brady jonsson
1/22/2018 10:35:04 am

What a powerful read Ayla. I hope you are feeling better and that everything turns out amazing for you. Thank you for your story and strength to write about it. And even though I have never met your man he sounds like the right guy to be by your side through all this. All the best and keep on fighting, smiling, and being who you are. Ment to post this on this one.

Reply
Ayla
6/7/2018 09:11:41 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words and yes, I lucked out with Mac! He has sure been a rock through this.

Reply



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    Author

    . Ayla . @missaylanova .
    #notfromhere
    I like to think of myself as an alien. Someone who is only visiting this curious rock and during my time here on this earthly plane, I have made it a quest to share and experience as much as possible.
    My mission, my dharma, my purpose is to create space. Whether that is in healing, in nature, between the inhales and the exhales, or on these social platforms. 
    ​It is my belief that we are all so intricately placed here to learn, and at times unlearn, what it means to be human, to love and be loved, all while appreciating this beautiful planet we call home! 

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